I recently read somewhere the following quote from Blaise Pascal:
"It is true there is difficulty in entering into godliness. But this difficulty does not arise from the religion which begins in us, but only from the irreligion which is still there. If our senses were not opposed to penitence, and if our corruption were not opposed to the purity of God, there would be nothing in this painful to us. We suffer only in proportion as the vice which is natural to us resists supernatural grace. Our heart feels torn asunder between these opposed efforts. But it would be very unfair to impute this violence to God, who is drawing us on, instead of to the world, which is holding us back. It is as a child, which a mother tears from the arms of robbers, in the pain it suffers, should love the loving and legitimate violence of her who procures its liberty, and detest only the impetuous and tyrannical violence of those who detain it unjustly. The most cruel war which God can make with men in this life is to leave them without that war which He came to bring. 'I came to send war,' He says, 'and to teach them of this war I came to bring fire and the sword.' Before Him the world lived in this false peace."
God took me on a ride in 2013. He really did. In the first half of the year, He walked me through the conversion of one of my best friends, the challenges of participating in 2x2 Prayers, the ups-and-downs of my family situation, and the anxiety that came with obtaining U.S. citizenship. The peak of the year happened during July and August, where I did receive my citizenship and also traveled to Japan for the first time on a conference that I thought for the longest time I could not attend. During those two months, I was overjoyed. I thought that God had finally grown me into a mature Christian, His ambassador and light. Although I knew in my head that I still fell short of His glory on multiple levels, my heart was conceited.
Looking back, I now recognize the various warnings that God gave me during that time through a friend, with whom I kept email correspondence that entire summer. He reminded me, "I see nothing wrong with delighting in your accomplishments. But just don't ground your confidence in your own abilities. Please, please, don't do that." And he gave me the following verse, which now serves as a constant reminder for me--
"For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by His Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh." --Philippians 3:3 (NIV)
What I did not realize back then was how much I really needed to follow those words. I was at the peak of my journey with God, I thought. He had already transformed me into a person completely different from the old Anna and I was no longer the weak-minded, people-pleasing, unforgiving, and unloving girl, I thought. Now, it was time for me to serve Him in all areas of my life, which was devoid of weaknesses, I thought.
God truly works in mysterious ways. Right when I thought I was ready to serve, He gave me a huge blow. It was not anything external that He did. He simply exposed the darkness hidden within. He started to peel the onion. I was soon dried out. I started questioning my motives. I started questioning about the so-called "sacrifices" I was making. I started to get anxious about my future. I started to be afraid to be around people, being too aware of my inability to be real and to love. I started to blame my past, the people who hurt me, and the God who didn't help me. I reverted to my old ways, my habitual sins of lovelessness, lust, procrastination, pretentiousness, and more. I became cold and cynical to those who cared for me--I even wanted to hurt their feelings, only to realize that I was craving for more attention. I realized, as the semester went on, that I was still the old me. Perhaps worse. Nothing had changed.
I couldn't understand. Where was the growth from my freshman year? Where was that person who yearned for God and strived to work for His kingdom? Where did she go?
Thinking back to that time, I cannot help but thank God for His protection. Yes, He protected me. He did not forsake me. He provided.
He provided a church family full of
God-seeking sisters and brothers who encourage me and challenge me to follow
Him. From this family, I learned
to depend on others and work with others. I learned to ask for help. I learned
to love and receive love. I learned how God can and has changed people. I
witnessed tremendous growth in my peers and the work that they continuously
labor for the kingdom of God. I witnessed their sacrifices of the things that
achieve temporary happiness for those that build eternal joy.
God provided an older sister from this very family who discipled me every week. She patiently listened to my week worth of
doubts, complaints, growth, and failures. She prayed with me and always pointed
me back to the Bible. Even when I thought that she would be disgusted by the
things I tell her, the sins that I commit, she was still there, praying and
crying with me, hugging me, reminding me of God’s victory.
God also provided an older brother and a friend in two of my hardest classes to help me survive and achieve grades beyond my expectations. There were so many times when I thought I would fail those classes, but somehow everything came out more than all right.
Most importantly, He provided salvation. After months of darkness, He shed a light. He reminded me of Peter's story. He reminded me of how Peter thought he was strong enough to fight alongside Jesus without any failures, even when Jesus foretold that he would deny Him three times. Peter thought that his determination would be strong enough to save him from sins. But, Peter was wrong. Peter denied Jesus three times on the most important day of history--the day of salvation. After Jesus resurrected, He questioned Peter three times "do you love me?" Three times Peter answered yes, with increasing pain and frustration each time, because he knew that he had sinned against Jesus, despite his love for Him. Jesus asked Peter three times, not because Jesus didn't know Peter's weaknesses and questioned his love for God, but because Jesus wanted Peter to say and hear himself say that he truly loved God, despite his sinful flesh. At the end of it all, Jesus gave Peter the most forgiving and loving confirmation--"Follow me."
Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. --Matthew 26:41 (ESV)
The flesh is weak. Indeed.
I used to think that believing in God would transform me into a good person, as if there was a standard to reach. And once I reached that point of goodness, I would not need to repent anymore and that I could love others selflessly on my own strength. Now, I've come to realize just how desperately I need God--on a daily basis. When I wake up in the morning, I pray that I would not sin against Him and I repent for the sins I will commit. Before I go to bed at night, I pray that I would not sin against Him in my sleep, in the thoughts that I could not control but see so clearly in my mind in those dreaming hours. A sister once reminded me, goodness is not holiness. Everything falls short of God's holiness. Even those who are considered the most virtuous, the most loving, the most selfless, have sinned at one point in their lives. I used to think that that way of thinking was too radical, too blunt, too un-human, and was therefore wrong. It was not until I was also put on such a pedestal--a pedestal of being a good person--and fell down from it after seeing my own sins, that I realized the kind of love that God has for us is indeed radical, blunt, and un-human. Who would send His only Son to die for those who rejected Him? How could He love a person even after she has committed so many acts that repelled His very nature? From a human point of view, that is not possible. Even if I try to fake it, I don't think I can sustain it. That is God's love for us. A love that seems so radical to us. His holiness produces that kind of radical love. How can I ever try to love someone truly, truly selflessly--not for my companionship, not for continuing my bloodline, not for my gain, but for His glory--without His undying love and grace? This fruit of radical love is not the result of self-righteousness. It comes from God's holiness that only He can give. Everything points back to God.
So, the battle continues. The discipline continues. The pain from the opposing forces of spirit and flesh continues. God is not done with us yet. But we are not afraid because He has brought fire and sword. He has already won the war.
Today marks the start of a new year, 2014. I am sure that God's mission stays the same. It will be another year of growth, humbling, failures, and grace.
